Five weeks now. Wow, time flies. It feels like it’s only two weeks since I came here.
I think next Tuesday (weighing-day) I will reach phase 2, that means more therapy and finally more freedom. At the moment I’m not allowed to go stairs, be more than half an hour outside and I have to eat in a group controlled by the therapists. In phase 2 I can get more privileges, like going out for an hour or more, eating meals on my own and things like this. And, the most important thing: I will have individual therapy every day. Most of the therapy yet is in groups and I can’t expect the daily individual one ;)
Apart from that there is nothing new I could tell you.
Today my family is visiting me. I am so happy, I’ve missed my sister so much. It’s the first time in my life, that I am really homesick. I didn’t know this feeling since this stay. I’m not sure if this is good or not. It is a horrible feeling, but I have something to work for. I want to go home soon and this target makes me work even harder. I want to enjoy the summer, finally see and cuddle my cat again and things like this.
With lots of love, Feli <3
It’s been a rough time, with lots of tears, anxiety and anger. I am really motivated, but of cause there are so many things that make it difficult to recover.
Some weeks before I thought, I would just come here, get a low meal plan, gain a little bit weight, have some therapy sessions and go home, able to do the rest at home.
But it’s more than that. I didn’t expect that it would be this hard. It is the fourth week now and I am still at the beginning. It takes time to get better, but most of the days I can’t except it. I want to leave as soon as possible. I know that the anorexic voice is speaking out of me. At the moment I just want to go home to starve and lose weight again. I tell myself that I would be able to recover at home, but deep in my mind I know, that it is way to early to leave.
I still panic even when I think about the next meal, I fight everyday against the urges to not eat the butter, do sports or punish myself for eating. But there are also some improvements in my behaviors. I didn’t cut since I came here, I follow my meal plan most of the time and I slowly begin to trust my therapist so that we can start with therapy.
And I also found some people to talk to. Most of the other patients are very nice and we spend the free time together, playing cards, laughing and crying together. I think without some people here, I would have left the clinic already.
I hope you all do well, I’m always happy when I get messages which cheer me up ;)
With lots of love, Feli
I am exactly one week here now. It’s very hard and although I knew that it wouldn’t be easy, I wanted to leave three times during the last week. But I’m still here. I often ask myself “what am I doing here?”, “why don’t I just go home?”. The answer is: I want to recover. I want to be happy one day and this is the only way to get away from all these destructive behaviours, disordered thoughts and terrifying emotions.
I have a postcard on my wall which says “it’s always darkest before the dawn”. Maybe I am now at this point, where I have to go through the worst time of my life to see what’s behind. One day, when the night is over, I will see the sun again and it will shine as bright as I have never seen before.
